flitting about . . .

the new pads for the furniture finally came.  now i can spend indolent afternoons on the deck, reading and warming my old bones under a slathering of sunblock . . .   not to sidetrack my own post but kidlet and i both have appointments with our dermatologist this afternoon.  have you made your appointment yet?  . . . mostly though, i like to grab a glass of wine and sit on the deck in the early evening and watch for beasties in the woods behind the house. it is there i find peace.

the pool guy was also here this morning.  it was like a party on deck.  the water is still green but getting better.  robert promises he will get it fixed.  joanie and i have plans for water aerobics this summer in lieu of walking in the miasma of summer heat.  i need to perfect my underwater self.

rambling to a totally different topic . . . my early morning net reading includes several blogs; some i have been reading for years and some that are relatively new.  they all touch me on some level.  while some fiercely attack my funny bone, some lift me up, and still others infuse me with their spirit.  unfortunately, there is appearing, a newly sprung commonality among three of them.  divorce.  and it hurts to think of these strong women fighting to right their equilibrium.

and so i thought, which is harder:

when i divorced my first husband, it was not he I missed. instead, i mourned the failure of my marriage. my inability to make a lasting healthy connection.  that is until i got further from the pain and realized that my marriage was destined to fail because my husband had priorities other than kidlet and i.  we deserved better.  i hope these women come to that same realization.

losing the sloth was different.  it was like losing my soul.  the pain is deep and searing.  it has shaken my core and rocked my faith.  it is not the sting of  'why did he not love us enough',  it is the pain of losing someone who loved us completely.

and so for me, it was, of course,  his loss.  the emptiness in my heart.  the stillness where there once lived laughter.  and while i realize it will get easier and i am blessed to have found him in the first place.  to have shared fifteen years of marriage. i must admit it ain't easy.  life just isn't easy. 

switching one more time: 15 months NED!!!!  You are rocking it, c.