As I approach my 60's, I understand that the majority of my life is behind me. That in itself is not a bad thing. My life now is deep, warm, deliciously good. I spend my time with my best friend . . . he who I love with all my heart. I amble about doing this and that . . . I am a putterer extraordinaire. I am happy. Will I leave behind a mark on the world . . . no, not unless, hopefully, it is a warm spot in the hearts of those I have loved . . .
But I sent an email the other day confessing a 'sin' from an earlier life and I began to wonder about the trip from there to here and wondered if that colored her perception of me and would others feel that difference as well.
I started off life a carbon copy stolen from the set of Ozzie and Harriet or Leave it to Beaver. The perfect childhood . . . two loving parents . . . a rural setting outside a big city . . . the best of all worlds. As with all good stories a little drama is needed so at the age of 13, my mother died of cancer and off to boarding school I went. (To be clear, I was not shipped off . . . there were very clear perameters and my agreement was number 1. Ozzie was adamant about that.) I think boarding school was the start of my walking another path. Or maybe it was just me railing against the confinement . . . she who was used to flying free down country roads was not happy with clipped wings. I was expelled along with three cohorts in crime for skipping church one Sunday morning, crossing the railroad tracks and enjoying coffee and a cigarette in an off limits diner where the proprietor was happliy teaching us modern day Greek. The expellment lasted all of one day . . . phone calls were made. College opened Pandora's box, it took exactly one year for my wing feathers to grow back stronger than ever. It was 1968 and the world was a fascinating place . . . a smorgasbord of delights . . . a phantasmagoria. The pendulum had swung and off I went shedding my imprisonment with abandon. It was wonderful to be alive. But slowly, ever so slowly . . . as was inevitable, the pendulum swung back to center and when it swung up the other side, things had changed. Ozzie and Harriet were back, old values held, time sweetly changed and brought with it, new life.
It makes me wonder . . . are the crayons of life in permanent layers. Do people see only the layer they are familiar with or can they see all the layers . . . and if so, do the layers then become muddied or do they combine so that each person's life rainbow shows through?
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6 comments:
I'm voting for our life rainbows shining through! Aren't those inner layers of color what give our lives greater depth and richness? I hope enough of my layers show through that people can see a hint of the girl/young woman who, even hampered by a deeply ingrained sense of responsibility, managed a few walks on the wild side!! Of course, the "wild side" of then is so tame compared to the dangers today's youth must contend with. Count me as one who is grateful to have grown up when we did!
I think we are the sum of our parts. We cannot be the person we are today without having the life experiences that each of us have had. And they are all diferent. Which makes each of us unique. Kinda like snowflakes, no two of us are exactly alike. And that is the beauty of being you.
Jeanne, I love you and your blog! I think we all have events in our past that would surprise those who know us now. I also think all those things make us who we are each day. And that on some days we are only able to see the top layer of ourselves and others and that on other days we can see the entire shining rainbow.
Michelle
I think our experiences ARE the colors of our rainbows. If we never did all the things we have done we would be one color...and it would probably be something ugly like burnt sienna, but when we put all our experiences together we end up as the big crayon box with the crayon sharpener on the back!
And I can't speak for the person you are worried about, but I can say that you are one of the most beautiful souls I've known, and knowing the little bit I do about you makes you even more colorful and radiant to me. The things you have overcome, and survived would have dropped a lot of people to their knees, but you continue to soar with those magical wings of yours.
And another thing....if that person were to judge you on something in your past, they wouldn't be much of a person to worry about anyway. Who wants friends like that?
I love you.
Very deep thinking my friend....I think the older we get, the more deep thinking we do and if we knew then what we know now, we wouldn't have done all the same of what we did and then....would we have been someone new now who wished they knew then what they know now? Something to ponder.
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